When Life Feels Unfair

Although I believe there are always good things to be found, I needed to say today that some days it can be really hard to find them. These last few weeks my heart has been heavier than usual while taking in the hard news around me and in the world. Maybe you have been feeling this way, too, after hearing about the tragedy in Kerr County, Texas, or perhaps navigating a hard situation in your own life. Especially as a mom of 4 and a therapist who worked with families during Sandy Hook, when I hear tragic stories that affect families and kids—I feel it deeply. 

So today I did not want to bypass the hard. Instead, I wanted to share a few things that hopefully will help you if you are feeling the same. 

Honor What You Need in The Moment

There is no right or wrong way to feel or right or wrong thing to do. I always tell families to take it moment by moment. Do you keep busy and go on? Do you stop and rest? For some, yes; for some, no. Ask yourself or your kids—what do you feel like doing right now? This may change moment to moment or day by day. Some people need time to not do, while some need things to do. The process of navigating a challenge is individual. Keep going back to that question and know that whatever you feel like doing is ok right now. 

Say What You Need to Say

It’s ok to say, “This is unfair”—because, sometimes, it truly isn’t fair. It’s ok to ask “why” questions and look for reasons. Know that well-meaning people will say dumb things while trying to be helpful. No one should tell you how to feel or what to think—your thoughts will evolve over time in the way that they naturally will. Accept what is helpful and feel free to ignore what is not. 

Lean on Your People

Know your circle of friends and others who support you in the way that you need and lean on them during this time. Spending time with people who can support you and understand is important right now—even if it means sitting in silence with people who care. It’s also ok to ask certain people for space. This is about what you need as you navigate this challenge. Don’t be hesitant to ask people to do things that you might need—they want to help and often don’t know how. 

Emotions Come in Waves

Expect that emotions come in waves. It’s normal to feel ok, and then not ok. Know that whatever you are feeling will pass, at least temporarily. Sleep and rest are incredibly important for emotion regulation, especially during hard times. 

Find Comfort Where you Can

For some it’s prayer, journaling, a long walk or run. Find what soothes your soul—and allow yourself to enjoy it without guilt. Yes, even joy and laughter have a place in our hardest moments. They don’t diminish your struggle—they help carry you through it.

Don’t Do Nothing

Reach out—email, text, make a call, leave a voicemail. Let the people you care about know that you care. Also, let them know that they don’t have to respond back. 

Offer Specifics

It’s often more helpful to offer specific support rather than saying, “Is there anything I can do?” If your kids are struggling, suggest concrete options—like ordering food or arranging time with friends. Oftentimes, kids need to be with other kids during challenging times. If you’ve offered those suggestions with no response, ask, “Is there anything I could do that would help you right now?”

Show up Physically

For years when I have navigated loss with clients and personally, the one thing people say is that they remember who showed up. Presence is healing. Even if you have no words or can’t find a way to help, being there, being around, sitting with your loved ones is often enough. 

Prepare for Displaced Emotions

Grief in particular comes out whenever or however it wants, and sometimes that means displaced emotions. Why am I so frustrated or angry? Why am I so emotional when something minor goes wrong? It can all be connected to grief.

No Need to Brightside

When someone’s going through something hard, the urge to offer a positive spin—"Everything happens for a reason," or "At least..."—often comes from a well-meaning place. But more often than not, it’s about comforting ourselves in the face of someone else’s pain.

The truth is, people don’t need a silver lining. What they need most is for their feelings to be seen and honored.

So instead of trying to fix or reframe the moment, just be in it with them. Say, “I’m so sorry you’re going through this.” Sit with their sadness, their anger, their confusion—whatever it is. That space of empathy and presence? It’s far more healing than any bright side.

When you are navigating challenges, it’s normal to ask the “why” questions. “Why did this happen?” is one that comes up often. It’s a natural and human response. What I have found and what I wrote about in my first book is that even if we did have that answer—whatever it is—it often does not alleviate the pain that we may find ourselves in at the moment. This is why I try not to go to that question anymore. It is often more helpful to ask other questions: What can I do today? What do I need right now? Who might be helpful for me to connect with? Who do I want around? 

It’s also normal to feel disconnected spiritually. I have felt that disconnect at times and struggled with faith. It helps me to remember that although God doesn’t always prevent tragedy, we can often find him in the middle of it, ready to walk us through it. When I ask myself, “How is God showing up in this?” the answer always points to the people around me—those who show up with sacrificial help and support. It points to the love that is felt in these moments, and sometimes even to stories of the supernatural that emerge. If we look for it, these are the good things we may find even in the darkest of times. 

Please send any other questions you may have.